Campfire

Briony.
An original written by Alexandra.

La jeune fille en feu for ‘Portrait of a Lady on Fire’(2019)
Hélène Delmaire

You flicker in and out of the flame. Your voice is
unmissable yet is so easily mistaken for the breeze.
I can see your face as if you stand before me,
yet staring too long makes my eyes water.
I blink for relief, and you have vanished again.
Each time you do so, my heart breaks as if it
were the first time. Catching you is catching smoke.
I can see the smoke – is it you or the residue of this
campfire? My greatest burning desire?

I cannot seem to bring myself to leave,
for the most sacred moments of my life were created
right here, with you. Our secrets only heard by the crickets
chirping in unison amongst the eternal darkness.

There you are again! Have I finally caught you? Caught
that moment for which I so desperately long.
It appears God has let you go for the evening.
The solemn darkness of the night so subtly fades into a
bleeding saffron to match the fire we have just lit.
Please do not leave. Stay for a while.
You owe me that much.

I know your spirit feels it no longer belongs on
this plane, which explains why you left so suddenly.
But I am here to listen to all your stories.
Tell me how it is where you are. Tell me what you have now
that you did not before. Is it warm? I think about it often.
Perhaps I can join you.

In and out, in and out.
Let us count together. Now you are here,
now you are gone. My heart is on fire.
It is all I feel. It is the only thing I feel.

Even if it is for a fraction of a second, I will grasp
it tightly. I have ignited this fire to illuminate
your path home to me. I want to make it as well-lit
as possible. I know how lost you can get.

Sometimes you do not show. I assume you are busy.
But I will always await you outside in the bitter
chill of the night. I am enveloped by tall, swaying trees that
taunt me with their height. For they are much closer to
you than I am down here. 

I light this fire because I am cold. Your absence has
frozen me solid.
I light this fire because it scorches and yearns
like how we did for each other.

I light this fire because it is the closest
to making me feel the way I felt for you.
It burns like you, it sparkles like you.
It is as bright as you, as lethal as you.
It brings me to tears like you. 

Even when this fire dwindles, I will ignite another.
I will continue to do so to unambiguously show the torch
I hold for you. There will never be another.  

In and out, in and out. Come and join me. Let us count
together. I can finally see you again.
Here you are, emerging from the flames.
Good timing, I have just lit another.
How are you, my darling? Tell me everything.

Camp Fire (1880)
Winslow Homer